


Who Was She, Without Them?

by AceFangirlLani



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Colleen and her fertilizer, Dramatic words, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Matt and Pidge's relationship is so underrated, Matt should've been in the show more, Pidge needs help with self esteem, Spirit Animals, They are the best siblings ever, Voltron, i wrote this while sleep deprived, more tags to be added later, pidge is confused, slight angst, vld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22607761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceFangirlLani/pseuds/AceFangirlLani
Summary: Katie Holt has constantly been living in the shadow of other people. Even if she had never realized it. She had grown up with so many amazing people in her life that it was easy to want to be just like them. Because if they were so great, they were definitely doing something right.Right?But the tables have turned and she finds herself with the rug pulled out from under her and a barring weight heavy on her shoulders. With her isolating herself from others throughout most of her life, how would she be able to survive? Being with just her family was one thing, but being completely alone was another altogether.How would she be able to get by, without people watching her back? To pull her back up when she fell? To comfort her when she cried?Who was she? Really?(Or Pidge goes through some self discovery and learns what it really means to become her own person.)
Relationships: Matt Holt & Pidge | Katie Holt, Pidge | Katie Holt & Pidge | Katie Holt's Family
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Who Was She, Without Them?

**Author's Note:**

> Aloha there! 
> 
> So yeah, I wasn't originally going to post my first fanfic on here from Voltron, but, here I am.
> 
> But I guess this is kind of a self reflection against myself too. Because I understand it's hard to figure out who exactly you are, and even we, ourselves, don't know the full lengths to our characters and what make us exactly us.
> 
> Things can be hard sometimes. But with time, they have the potential to get better.
> 
> I should know as I'm still trying to figure everything out.
> 
> So, enjoy!
> 
> -Lani

_Who was she?_

If there was a single question on her mind it was this. A solid wall her back would always hit against, digging into her spine, stone cold. She found her thoughts being dragged back to it, over and over again. Like a game of tug-a-war that she was constantly losing. It had become a sudden fear she obtained, a demon underneath her bed, waiting. Lurking.

Pidge has always known she was different from the other kids. From her near obsessive passion for computers. The way she knew every answer and every question. How sometimes she felt uncomfortable in dresses and ponytails.

Not to mention she was laughed at. Teased for her weird personality and called a suck up, or the teacher’s pet.

It hurt. Hit against her self esteem and even made her want to ditch school and just fly away.

Far into the stars, where no one could follow her.

But she had her brother. She had her parents. And they were just as weird as her.

Matt with his weird thing for aliens. Her mom and her weird experiments, involving different ways to create a healthy fertilizer. Her dad and his weird engineering skills and brain that could store hundreds upon hundreds of maps inside of it.

Her family was weird. And that was how she liked it. Even if sometimes it separated her from the rest of the kids her age. Made her too different to fit into their groups. Too strange to even be noticed. Because of this, she was always seen alone, building, calculating, anything that could be thought of occupied both her hands and her mind. It was simple. Quiet.

But it made her feel so lonely.

Sure maybe sometimes she isolated herself on her own, but that was only due to the fact that she didn’t know what else to do. From how she grew up, Pidge was constantly surrounded by either Matt, her family, or even Matt’s friends, although they never seemed to take her seriously because she was so young.

In a way, she felt alien in society. Although she looked and dressed like any regular person, the amount of information and character inside of her was far too great to not be considered foreign. And like any foreign thing, she was treated like she was delicate. Like she was too dumb to know right from wrong. With everyone around her putting a microscope up to her face, watching her every action, and waiting for her to make a mistake.

For a long time, she thought she didn’t need friends. Relationships. Because she had her family with her. And her brother was already the greatest friend she could get, so what was the point in creating ties with people who might not be what they seem? People who could potentially stab her in the back or distract her from her goals that would never be achieved by just sitting on a couch eating popcorn.

But while she used logic, calculations and math, this was one of the things she was wrong about.

_Who was she, without her family?_

_Without Matt and his corny, shitty jokes?_

_Without her dad’s laugh and patience whenever he was teaching her something?_

She never realized that she was simply just shaping herself in the dark of their shadows. That she was trying so hard to become like them that she forgot to create something of her own.

_So without them, who did that make her?_

But her self discovery had to be put on hold. Stored as a mystery to be solved later, buried deep in a chest and held at the bottom of the ocean. Because she had a mission. One that she would not stop until she completed it, for her sake and the sake of her mother. It was only them now, and it ruined the routine of their daily lives. Like how Matt would get the groceries while he studied by the library. Like how her dad switched cars with her mother, since they only had one, in a sort of unison that was rhythmatic. 

And them both being gone caused an interference. One too big to ignore.

“Right,” she whispered to herself, staring down her reflection in the mirror, “Focus Katie. You know they’re out there somewhere, you just need to figure out where.”

Her gaze dropped down to the acceptance papers on the counter. It had the congratulations of a scholarship printed out in ink, and a line on the bottom that required her mom’s signature.

“I’ll figure out what you’re hiding, Garrison.” she said before raising a pair of scissors to her hair. The long, flowy locks slowly fell away. Snip by snip until she was nearly a mirror image of Matt. Messy fringe, round glasses. Minus her short stature, she could count for his identical twin.

She almost gaped at herself, marveling how a single haircut could transform her into someone entirely different.

“Say goodbye to Katie Holt. Because Pidge Gunderson is going to get to the bottom of this.”

Unintentional, but maybe this was who she really was. What her inner spirit projected. The image that created her true character and traits that could only be connected to her. With these new clothes on her, loose and baggy, she felt more comfortable in her skin than she ever had. It felt free. Light. Like an unbarren weight had just been released from her shoulders.

Gone was her old self, obsessed with trying to fit in and taking people’s bullshit. Who was always playing dress up in outfits that were never her style. Who always found a chore in brushing the tangled locks of her hair.

Sure she may still be a bit lonely. Still a bit isolated with a habit of pushing others away when they tried to get close. And yeah, she was still trying to find out who exactly she was. But she was getting there. Eventually.

She knew that if she wanted to find her family, she would have to socialize to get information. Lie through her teeth about her true self and trick people into thinking she was someone else. That there was only a he, not a she. It was like acting in a way. Where there was a built character you have to jump in the shoes of.

It was hard at first. Obviously, as she was still getting used to being addressed as “him” or being able to walk into the boys locker room without wanting to die. She liked to say she had a pretty adaptive nature, and after a few days, she got used to being a boy. As she never really cared much about gender in the first place.

Early on, she had found out that boys were treated differently than girls. And for some things, it put her on edge. But she never spoke up or opened her mouth. She was content with disappearing in the crowd. And with her being the only one who apparently didn’t get a growth spurt in middle school, it was easy to slip under people’s noses.

She had always known she was never really that brave. Too scared to make friends. Too scared to open her mouth. And too scared to check back at all the insecurities she had been bottling up.

But now, she had no choice but to be.

She had no choice but to figure out her thoughts before the pressure of saving the world was thrusted upon her. Too heavy for her to remain on her feet.

_Who was she now? Was this the real her?_

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. It could be the inner self she had been looking for all along, and only needed a crappy haircut and glasses to make it actually appear.

This could be the new her. Small, but witty. Skinny, but intelligent. Uncertain, but agile.

_Who was she?_

She could be, Pidge Gunderson.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Me at midnight:** Shoot! I have to write something today!  
>  **My brain at midnight:** Don't you still have an English assignment and a History essay to complete?  
>  **Me:** I can do that tomorrow  
>  **My brain:** Okay, it's okay. You don't need sleep anyways
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'm always open to feedback so don't be afraid to leave a comment!
> 
> Honestly, I feel like they didn't give Pidge a good enough character arc. Like yes, there was this whole journey of her finding her family, it was her main reason and her main purpose, but just because the story is developing, doesn't mean the character is developing along with it. In my opinion, the show excelled at creating a diverse story and adding all these cool twists and turns along with lovable and relatable characters, but I think they did a bit poorly on the character's actual character arcs. I mean, they were good, but they could've been _better_.
> 
> Anyways, I might make more chapters to this, depending on how far my motivation takes me, but from then on, let's pray that I actual post a bnha fanfic at some point. I've been trying to for months, but my perfectionist brain keeps wanting me to rewrite it.
> 
> What are some things you struggle with?
> 
> -Lani


End file.
